Nihan Aydin

No Mercy


No Comments

Share this post

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like judging people. I try not to jump to conclusions and I always try to empathize with the person. Even if they feel they failed, I always try to show them the bright sides, their strength, and a way to get back on their feet. I don’t like holding grudge either. Of course if somebody hurts me, I cannot stay friends with them but I don’t “hate” them forever or I don’t think about taking a revenge on them either. They just fade out from my life..
But when it comes to myself, god I’m merciless. I can’t stop criticizing myself, I can’t stop blaming myself for whatever problem I have. To me I never work hard enough, I suck at planning my future, I am not talented enough, I never earn good enough, I can’t ever be the person I wanna be etc etc. Probably, most of these are true, but don’t I have any bright sides? I mean, is it only me that’s responsible for my current situations, isn’t there any contribution of the country I live in, the socio-economic factors and so on? To me, as long as it’s me, the answer is “no”, whatever it is, I only got myself to blame. I don’t know what happens to the anti-judging, forgiving person in me, but I can’t give myself a rest.
Some people may believe it’s a good thing, right? It makes you keep trying harder, it forces you to succeed (for whatever that means) . Well, I don’t agree with those people. I simply don’t, because it only makes me feel overwhelmed, disappointed and sick. I really wish I didn’t blame myself for every single thing that goes wrong in my life, but I do. Even if I try to relieve myself and find some other logical causes, deep deep down I still keep feeling guilty. Considered that I’m a 27 year old person with no money put aside for her future and no social security, I give myself a lot to criticize. And maybe that’s the right thing to do.
But still, at least for the time being, I am tired of questioning myself and I all I wanna do is give myself a break, put my mind at ease and sleep.

0 Responses to this post
Add your comment